Oscar™ "Predictions"

Once again the Oscars® are just around the corner. It’s time for Hollywood fakes to fill the Kodak Theatre with half-hearted and hollow applause rather than genuine well wishing. It’s an annual tradition that’s little more than a popularity contest. Despite the all acclaim, hype and the recognition, there’s really only one winner

That’s right, we’re talking about the annual Montage of the Dead and who gets the coveted closing spot.

We at Fish & Spaghetti are offering up our handicapping of the Montage of the Dead free of charge.


(We also want to note that our handicapping is for entertainment purposes only. We don’t condone gambling, unless you live in Reno, Vegas or Atlantic City. Or on a riverboat.)

Michael Jackson – He was a star of movies, so the guy is eligible.



However his death has been done to, well, death. Also, he’ll get a shockingly small amount of applause considering the auditorium is full of people who would love to work with Roman Polanski or Woody Allen.

Odds – 1,003 to 1

Dom DeLuise – Sure the guy died this year, but really, what’s the last thing you remember seeing him in?



There’s no way he’s closing out the montage.

Odds – 947 to 1

Bea Arthur – She made the biggest splash on television, but she did a pinch of film work.



Sadly it’s not enough to earn her the spot we’re talking about.

Odds – 978 - 1

Army Archerd – This guy just wrote about the stars, but he was a class act while doing it.



He’s like the Walter Cronkite of gossip. If he makes it he’ll be a big applause getter, but we doubt he’ll close the montage out.

Odds – 900 - 1

David Carradine – He had a solid career and even had a comeback of sorts.



He also had skeletons in his closet. And we defy you to come up with a less dignified death than being hanged in a hotel room in the kinky sex capital of the world while only partially clothed.

Odds – 500 to 3

Ron Silver – This guy was an actor.



He was also an activist. He died after a long battle. But be truthful; you can only remember the bad films he was in.

Odds – 200 to 1

Natasha Richardson – She’s got a lot going for her. She was part of a power couple. She had an impressive resume. Her death wasn’t expected. But she just doesn’t seem big enough to close things out. She’ll get huge applause though.

Odds – 107 to 1

Patrick Swayze – This guy had cultural impact.



He was a fighter. He’s a strong contender for the spot. Sadly he rose to fame when Hollywood was having it’s “awkward growth period”, the 80’s. Things haven’t aged that well, which hurts him.

Odds – 50 to 1

Karl Malden – To anyone under the age of 30 they don’t know who this guy is. Anyone under 40 only knows him from American Express commercials.



But he was an accomplished actor who held is own with Brando. Fortunately Hollywood’s an old town that often goes old school.

Odds – 15 - 1

John Hughes – This guy had impact.



His movies shaped a generation, a generation that’s currently running Hollywood. He’s the guy to beat.

Odds – 2 – 1

Obviously since the telecast is a few days away there’s plenty of time for someone else to pass from the mortal coil. That’s why as part of our service we’re providing some longshots. Sure they’re not dead, but a lot can happen between now and the Oscar©

Jack Klugman – We love this guy and would hate for anything to happen to him, but if he should pass away, he’s going to close the montage hands down.



He is getting up there…

Odds – 10 to 1

Dakota Fanning – We’re not predicting anything shocking like Heath Ledger.



If she were to die, it’d be the result of rabid Twilight fans crushing her frail frame in a stampede at a mall. We think.

Odds – 3000 to 7

Billy Mays – Ok, so he’s not an actor and he’s never been in a movie, but that’s what makes him such a perfect longshot.



You put your money on him, he wins and you’re set for life. And if anyone could work their way into the Montage of the Dead, it’s this guy.

Odds – 800,000 to 1

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Review-Cop Out

In general, I am fascinated by things that I don't understand. Things like Pyramids, Jellyfish, Time Travel and women drive my imagination and curiosity through the roof. One new mystery I found myself examining recently is the success of Tracy Morgan. That's one of the reasons that I was so excited to go see the premier of Cop Out this monday.


Cop Out, The White guy/Black guy-buddy-action/comedy directed by (but unfortunatley not written by) Kevin Smith (Clerks, Dogma) staring Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan (in his first leading role) as a pair of veteran, mismatched NYPD partners who have been partners for 9 years. We know they've been parnters for 9 years because the first joke of the movie begs us to believe this fact despite an almost complete lack of chemistry between the two.

Back to Morgan though, what fascinates me about him is that he's a one trick pony and almost the exact same guy from one roll to the next. If you were given an audio clip of Tracy Morgan and were asked to choose which Tracy Morgan role the clip is from, I would bet real money that you would be hard pressed to figure out if it was from Martin, SNL, 30 Rock or even G-Force. But we all know that. He's not an actor. He's not really a comedian either, he's a personality. And a really funny one too, this film proves though, that his schtick is wearing thin. I'm strangely proud of him though.



On to the movie, it's so stereotypical that midway through the first act I still wasn't sure if it was a spoof of the cop/comedy genre. By the scene were the two have to sit in front of the police chief who tells them that they're "off the case and suspended" and they have to turn in thier badge and gun (seriously), I finally realized that the film makers foolishly decided to not make this a parody and indeed intended to use that as an actual plot point because that's whats supposed to happen in these movies apparently, even though we've seen it many times and done better in Beverly Hills Cop and a dozen other movies.

Bruce Wilis' character is a divorced man with a timultuous relationship with his ex wife and her new husband (a hilariously villainous Jason Lee), and Morgan also has a wife (the crazy fine and criminally underused in this flick Kidada Jones), and there's a subplot revoling around Morgan's jealousy issues for some reason that goes no where.

Eventually, the two find themselves (without their badges mind you) accidentally in the middle of some kind of a convoluted conspiracy involving a kidnapped woman, an insane, baseball memorablia hoarding, mexican drug lord (Guillermo Diaz, who was not bad but funnier as ScarFace in Half Baked), a USB flash drive that has information about some major drug conspiracy and a rare baseball card worth 80 grand.

Also Sean William Scott (Stiffler from American Pie) is in the movie as wacky robber with a knack for Parkour as some sort of "Comic Relief" type of figure.



All in all, I found a few sporatic laughs, mostly because I went into it wanting to laugh. I spent more time staring at the screen wondering why I didn't find Tracy Morgan funnier.

The audience howled with laughter everytime he said or did anything, but I couldn't really see why. That's the wierd thing about Tracy Morgan, whenever you see him, you want to laugh. When he pops up in a movie or show, you say "oh snap, Tracy Morgan is in this, this is about to get really funny!" and you know something funny is supposed to happen but it never really does. But then it kinda does, but it's never as funny as what you thought he was going to say or do.

Still, maybe I'm over analyzing. I'll say it's a mediocre addition to the comedy buddy cop genre with a few rare, albeit legitimate laughs, that could have been a little better but not so much better that it was a complete dissapointment. I'll file it under "I'm sure this looked great on paper".

Oh, there's a scene with an 11 year old car thief who almost completely steals the movie, he's seriously funny. That kid is going to be a star.

Check it out this Friday, February 26th at theaters everywhere.

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steve nash is the most ridiculous man in the world...

Because it's funny (and there aren't enough ads on the internet). I used to hate him too. He's cool with me now.

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Wild Pitch Wednesday - A Haunting in Brentwood

When it comes to horror flicks, the F&S Home Office is pretty divided. Jay1 is a horror movie nerd. I’m not even a fan. Pinky’s MIA and Chet’s vote doesn’t count because he’s the goddamn intern who was supposed to be the blog afloat while we were complying with various subpoenas and cease & desist orders. Yeah, that’s right Chet, we’ll just have to see if you’re getting that precious college credit, won’t we?

But enough airing of dirty laundry, we’re here today to give you a pitch of a horror story, with a twist. A Haunting in Brentwood is destined to go down as one of the most notorious horror films in recent memory.

So, the story begins with a couple, Mildred and Rusty, moving into their brand new dream house, which was a steal for the neighborhood that it’s in. They’re living the American Dream.



But it quickly becomes a nightmare.


They soon become convinced that the house is haunted. They see weird things and can’t be explained. They hear odd noises in the middle of the night. It’s really creepy stuff. Then things turn up a notch when every knife in the house goes missing.

Fearing for their safety Mildred and Rusty contact various people who claim to be specialists in the field of the paranormal and everyone they contact tells them that the house is haunted and probably by more than one distinct spirit.



Mildred and Rusty gets a few rites performed that are supposed to vanquish the spirits, but it actually only riles them up. Now the spirits shatter glasses and cut off the electricity. Mildred and Rusty are very fearful.

They get back into contact with one of the specialists who tells him that the more the more information he has about who the spirits might be and how they died the more solutions he can offer them. So Mildred and Rusty looks into what happened at 879 S. Bundy Drive but come up short with nothing until they find out that the address was changed. Originally it was 875 S. Bundy Drive, the home of Nicole Brown Simpson.



Armed with that information they go back to the specialists who tells them that the best way to get rid of the spirits is get the person who killed them the first time around, OJ Simpson.



Mildred and Rusty find OJ at a bar drowning his sorrows. He’s broke and angry at the world for those trumped up charges in Las Vegas. Needless to say he’s not receptive to their plight. He still insists that he’s innocent and even offers up some of his intel on the “real killers.” He eventually relents when Rusty explains to him how his aiding a couple in need could be a sort of karmic balance to, y’know, murdering two people. He offers his help, but still insists that he’s innocent.



They take him back to the house and as they walk up the walkway OJ’s veneer begins to crack as he begins to show signs of emotion and there’s a hint of remorse in his eye. OJ then begins to give them a tour of their house and all of the good times that he spent there. His memories of his children and the meals that he ate. The parties that were held and even some celebrity anecdotes. And for a moment Rusty and Mildred forget a) OJ’s a killer and B) they live in a haunted house.

But once the sun goes down the spirits of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson are active again and they seem especially agitated that OJ is in the house.



Using the various accoutrements of spirit vanquishing (holy water, crosses and possibly a proton pack) OJ battles the spirits to a standstill, with a little help from the specialist who Rusty has on the phone.

The specialist gives Rusty what should be the kill-shot for OJ to deliver, but it doesn’t phase Ron and Nicole. And then the specialist realizes that the only way Ron and Nicole will leave is if they find peace. They aren’t angry spirits, they’re spirits that desire justice.

Now this is the point where we at F&S are divided. Jay1 thinks that OJ should offer himself up for sacrifice to Ron and Nicole. After admitting that he killed them, he’s assailed with every knife that went missing in the house in the previous weeks.

Chet, being the young whippersnapper that he is, also believes that OJ admit his guilt and offer himself up as a sacrifice, but he thinks that Rusty and Mildred should do the killing, because Ron and Nicole can’t. So you’ve got OJ willingly being murdered by two people who aren’t killers but want peace.

I actually believe that the ending should cut to OJ in a movies studio office pitching A Haunting in Brentwood to a disinterested movie producer who says “I think we’ve got the gist of it” as OJ is about to divulge the ending.



And there you have it. That’s our idea for A Haunting in Brentwood. Hopefully it’ll be hitting theaters in 2013 if there's anyone reading this who (or knows someone who) can greenlight a movie.

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20 Things I Figured Out From Being Snowed In The House For 7 Days...

So Baltimore had the worst blizzard ever recently and it kept most of the city, including me, trapped in the house for several days (for about 7 days, there were only 2 different times that anyone was able to safely go anywhere) and like the introspective, intellectually curious ponderer that I am, I had several revelations that I'm willing to share with you all. These are things I had the chance to sit around and give serious thought to...


20. Snow is way colder than I remember it being as a kid. I grew up in New York City, and in the winter we would go to central park and play in the snow for hours. I tried to play in the snow and could only go about 10 minutes. Meanwhile, my 7 year old had to be dragged back into the house after being out there for hours.

19. I really don't mind staying in the house all weekend when I have the option to leave, it's the idea of not having the option to leave that made it so frustrating.

18. Watching your "To Do" list slowly turn into a "Bucket List", is a beautifully tragic process and a sure sign that you might have a problem with procrastination. Especially if it says something like "Go To Gym" on it. Sigh.



17. The G.I. Joe cartoon has aged well, the Thundercats, not so much. I mean it's a really shitty show, like, even the animation and voice acting is poor. The plots are always absurd and the characters are terrible.



16. No matter how thirsty you are, Cosmopolitan Coctail Mix is not a good substitute for juice. Stumbling to the kitchen door at 3am and taking a giant swig of it out of the bottle will not quench your thirst, it will make you feel very gross.

15. Community is slowly but steadily becoming my favorite show. The funny stuff is really funny and maybe I'm just a sucker for love but I'm really into the romantic tension between Jeff and Brita. There I said it.



14. I don't get facebook. I don't know (and have never met or even seen in person) almost 30 percent of my facebook friends and I'm not sure why they or any of the other people who I actually have met, bothered to "friend me".

I only got a facebook page to promote the blog (back when I cared about blogging) and none of those fuckers even visits the blog. There's like 200 friends on my facebook and like 15 of them visit the blog. What's the point"? All they do is alert me to what they're farming or what mafia game they're playing and I could care less. Still, facebook is a great way to look at pictures of people you slept with or fooled around with or dated (or wish you did) and reminisce about the good times you had with them (or wish you did).



13. Drinking does not actually make me (or you or anyone else) funnier, more attractive, more charming, a better singer or a better dancer (like I thought it did for all these years).



12. I was dead wrong for thinking that "Lisa" episodes of The Simpsons were the crap episodes. I love The Simpsons, but for a long time if I saw that an episode of The Simpsons was on and it featured Lisa really heavy, I would turn the channel. I found her Budhist, vegetarian, goody-goody schtick to be annoying and it usually feels like the episodes were basically "very special episodes" of The Simpsons that find Lisa dealing with some kind of emotional turmoil and I found that boring. Upon further inspection though, the "Lisa" episodes are not just crazy funny but almost all my favorite episodes are "Lisa" epidodes.



In defense of my original opinion though, I have to say that while some of my personal favorite episodes (Like "Lisa On Ice" where she joins the hockey team or I Love Lisa where Ralph Wiggum gets his heart broken) are Lisa episodes, still, some of the worst episodes are STILL Lisa episodes. Wrap your head around that.

11. There Will Be Blood is an amazine movie. Its a rich, complex story and one of my favorite movies even though I don't fully understand it, but I love how there are so many metaphors and different things to interpret. I could talk about and disect it and try to figure it out for hours. Is it about greed and how the strength in greed creates repulsion for weakness? Is that why weakness was crushed at the end? Something was definitely metephorically crushed at the end? The last remnants of any sort of family?



Is it a metaphor for how the evangelical community the business community and the GOP manipulate each other? Are Eli and Paul the same person?! I don't know, lets get drunk and watch it again at my house!

10. I'm glad that John Mayers charm and wit blew up in his face. I find him annoying. I also like how his scandal reinforced the idea that no matter who you are or how big you get, you're never big enough to play around with the dreaded N word because that shit has had dudes way more important than John Mayer sheepishly apologizing at press confrences.

9. Kids don't listen very well but they will definitely imitate.

8. ?uestlove is kinda corny to me. I don't know what it is. He's a brilliant musician, but he's a real cornball.

7. On The topic of corny rappers, I think that if Charles Hamilton would have started rapping in the 90's he'd be bigger. I think that the fact that he is rapping in an era where you have to be on youtube several times a week or be lost in the shuffle, just set him up. If you're on youtube everyday, you're eventually gonna get caught looking stupid. Like when that girl punched him in the face and he disapeared for like, 8 months or whatever that was.



6. After all the cool stuff I've cooked during the week, I'm positive that if I was on one of those competition cooking shows like Top Chef or Hells Kitchen I would make it through at least 3 elemination rounds. At least. I would probably be like, the 4th or 5th person eliminated from the show.

5. I have a really big problem with finishing things that I start.



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